dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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