someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
