I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
