if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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