Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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