I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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