i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
