If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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