Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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