Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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