they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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