Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
