I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
