I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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