i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
