Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
