i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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