Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
