I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
