he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
