You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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