I met the friendliest cop last night
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
