Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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