yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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