I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
This toilet bowl is my home.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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