sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
