the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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