I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
