I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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