new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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