I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
