I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
well you can't waste a boner
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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