someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
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