I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
