I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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