Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
