I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
