He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
