In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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