Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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