two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
