I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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