Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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