Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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