I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
