He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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