I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Randomize