I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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