We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize