If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
