everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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