I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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