Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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