I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
