I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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