We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
