apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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