You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
