Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
